"A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn"

Those words describe how I felt today after our meeting with Fr. Norbert. David and I sat down with him for about 45 minutes this morning so he could tell us his expectations for David if he wants to pursue the diaconate. The formation process itself is daunting-- 7 years of formation, classes once or twice a week, weekend retreats for both of us once a month (starting in 2010), and many hours committed to serving the church once he's ordained in 2015.

When David came to me and told me he was starting the initial classes last spring, I went into our bedroom and cried for an hour. I cried more on and off for a week. See, I know my husband, and he's always wanted to serve the Church in a greater capacity than a lay person. And I knew he was thinking about being a deacon. David is also a pretty determined guy; once he decides to do something, he does it. I was so mad he wanted to start this all now! "Why" I asked? Our kids are on the young side, I had plans to volunteer more, and maybe join the choir again. But that's all on hold. I realized David wasn't doing this to hurt me, but I was sure scared. Really scared. Scared enough for me to go running to our Lord in adoration and pray for guidance.

I remember sitting in the chapel, trying to figure out how I was feeling. I truly wanted to be on board with my husband, but I didn't know how I was going to handle it. I didn't want the burden of carrying another cross. By now, David had already started the formation classes (FTCM) once a week, and some nights, I just wanted to scream because he wasn't there to help me with dinner, homework, and the bedtime routine. "Why now God?" That was the burning question.

God always has the right answer. I had for some time been praying for the graces to be a better wife and mother, to please help me be patience, please help me realize when I need to put my tasks aside and just be with my children. I knew at that moment God was telling me "now" because I had been praying for help. Since David wants to discern the diaconate "now," God was answering my prayers, "now."

Being the human I am, I thought, okay, "now." That means God wants me to start growing, "now." Not waiting until later, not waiting until the kids are older, not when I think I'm ready, but "now." Okay God, I say to myself, I can do this. I don't know how yet, but I'll give it all to you and let you handle things. I didn't want to go into this process kicking and screaming...I wanted to go into it with an open mind, and most importantly, and open heart. I couldn't tell God (or David), "no." That just wouldn't be fair--it would be so selfish; to not allow God's grace to work in our lives, and let His awesome plan be revealed. It would be nice if the whole plan was in place for us to see, but that is not God's way. He shows it a little at a time, so we can learn one step at a time. God doesn't let our humanness get in the way, rather He helps us overcome it.

There was still one more aspect that was hard for me to accept. We realized if God was calling David to the diaconate, we should not add to our family for now, and likely not at all if he became ordained. I always though when we had our fourth baby, I would be ready to say, "Okay, 4 is good, we're done." But my heart has cried, and the tears have come in waves until they just overwhelm me. That's the fear I have, the fear that I won't be able to handle that pain. I wish I could have the faith first, and be human afterwards. But every tree has to be pruned to grow straight and tall...and pruning hurts. I hope it doesn't hurt as much as time goes on. This is something God wants me to go through, because I have something to learn from it. Right now, at this moment, I am not dancing, I am mourning, but I am sure the dancing will come later.

Please forgive me for being weak for just a moment. I feel better now that I've been able to put thoughts into words. I certainly don't want to admit I'm not feeling very brave, but I have faith that God will give me the strength and courage I lack. I am praying to be like a child and just follow Him.