I realize that's really not the best excuse. My laptop has also died twice in that time period. There's not the time or money to fix it properly. And I've simply been too lazy and unmotivated to go upstairs to our main computer in the study nook and blog from there. Not to mention it's pretty hard to watch a very active 2 year old who is in that "seek and destroy" phase and has discovered the joys of markers. Thank God they're washable. Oh, and we started potty training 3 weeks ago too. Enough said.
Sigh...
You wanna know how I'm really doing?
Okay...you asked for it. If you want a happy, pick me up post...stop now. Get off and go find something else to do. I'm not sayin' it's going to get ugly, but it's definitely about to get real.
Ready?
Okay...here goes.
Some days, I'm okay. Other days, I'm pretty good. I'm bored because I like to run errands, go to the grocery store and spend money. Not a lot of money of course, but you know...there are things a family of 7 needs. And it's fun to go to the fabric store and buy fabric...just because it's so cute and eventually you'll find some project to use it in. Ha.
But if the bacon ain't comin' in...you don't have bucks to spend. So I've been very careful to not to buy anything unnecessary...so only a very little bit sewing/crafting/hobbying, etc. Which means I'm sitting on my butt not doing much of anything except keep 5 kids from killing each over while we survive yet another hot Texas summer. And drive them to this camp or that camp, VBS etc...ah...the joys of being a chauffeur!
There have been a few times when I've just hidden in my closet and bawled. David has been networking, filling out job applications and chasing leads like crazy, but he didn't get any interviews for 2 months. He finally made it to a final interview for one position. It sounded perfect for him, and we were so hopeful. But the headhunter called one night right before dinner to say they'd given the job to another candidate. I choked down my plate and helped put the kids to bed. David went for a walk late that night with the dog, and I cried myself to sleep. I was so sad...and yet I didn't let David see my disappointment. He's interviewed for another position with the city...but it's been 6 weeks, and they still haven't told him if he has the job. Are you kidding me people? Don't you realize this waiting crap is pure torture?!
Ugh.
On the flip side, we have had numerous graces and blessings. A friend insisted on paying the girls' fees and membership dues for their American Heritage Girl troop. I was so overcome with emotion, that it made me cry...and I humbly said yes because I knew if I said no, I'm not allowing God to work through other people. There really isn't any pride left when your hubby is out of work and you're applying for CHIPS benefits for the kids, food stamps, and putting 2 outstanding bills on a payment plan. Yeah...I told you I'd be keeping this real.
David also won 4 tickets to Galveston's Moody Garden's Dino's Alive exhibit AND the Palm Beach (a water amusement park). Unfortunately we hit a curb at the hotel and the van sustained about $1,000 worth of damage. It was not fun in that regard...at all. We were excited to have a nearly free family outing, only to shell out big bucks to have our van towed and repaired, plus the cost of a rental so we could drive back home. Thankfully the van was fixed in just one day, and David was able to drive back down to Galveston (about 1.5 hours away) to bring our van home. But the kids had a blast...praise God. I went into super mom mode that afternoon. I refused to let the accident get us down and took the kids through the water park all by myself for the first 2 hours so David could take care of the van (he was able join us later). Later on...my hubby said the sweetest words to me.
"Honey, I'm so proud of the way you handled the kids...you really stepped up, didn't lose your temper, and the kids had fun because you were amazing."
Wow...it made me cry ya'll...really it did. See...I'm not well known for handing stressful situations...my confession of the year here. I'm trying so hard to be even tempered these days...not so easy when your hubby is out of work. I honestly feel like I have to be super mom, cheerleader, support staff...basically everything I'm normally not. So those words were like the best gift ever. Better than 1 carat diamond earrings for sure. :-)
Other friends have been very considerate and supportive. One friend in particular calls/texts me at least once a week. Her hubby was unemployed for a year...so she can really relate. In times like this, you need friends who really get it...and she GETS it. Know what I mean? Yet another friend also touches base with me frequently. Both have dropped everything and have taken me out...just to get out of the house so I feel like I can talk without the fear of being judged. I am one lucky girl...let me tell you. When you have friends like that...who say, "I'm praying for you," and you know they really mean it...that's all a woman needs, right?
More friends have offered job leads, contacts, and prayers. David has gamely followed as many leads as possible. At one point he realized he might be getting passed over because he lacked certain credentials. So he decided in May to take summer classes at Lone Star Community College to earn his CMA and eventually his CPA. So he's back in college, taking 3 classes and frankly acing them. He's such a nerd. ;-)
Just yesterday, someone left a $50 gift card to Kroger on my van's windshield. The envelope said, "Happy Monday from a friend." No name...and it's not necessary. As far as I'm concerned...it was an angel in disguise sent by God. Thank you...whoever you are. :-)
Yet another major event happened over the past 4 months. I finally was able to go on an ACTS retreat through our church, St. Ignatius. I really didn't want to go. I'm usually a happy, social person, who loves spending time with other godly women. But...when I'm stressed...the LAST THING I want to do is leave my comfort zone (home), be around other women (40 of them), talk about my life (ugh...no thanks...I'm already a basket-case), and essentially admit to God I'm tough on the outside, but inside...I'm just ready to come unglued at a moment's notice. So a retreat? NO WAY. If someone offered me a ticket to Tahiti and a mojito for my free hand...you bet I would have gone in a heartbeat. I kid you not.
When we pulled up to Circle Lake Retreat Center...I didn't want to get off the bus...I really didn't. I had to walk to the dining hall, greeting ladies all the way there...they wanted to hug me...I was like, "Ah...yeah...can I just go home? I REALLY want to go home. NOW." I wasn't feeling it ya'll. Nope. Not at all.
Did I mention I really wanted to go home?
But slowly, over the weekend, I was able to open up. I knew God wanted me there for a reason. When it comes to God's will, resistance is futile, right? I mean...do you really want God to hit you over the head with a 2x4 to knock some grace and sense back into you?
Nope. Not me...seriously. I've had spiritual 2x4's over the head...and if God is doing the swinging...it hurts. Like, REALLY hurts.
So I prayed...constantly. I told God to please just help me be open. To please show me what He wanted from me. To just please take stubborn, strong-willed me and mold me into whatever He wanted.
By the end of the retreat weekend. I'd had a major light. It wasn't necessarily earth-shattering...but it put David's unemployment in a completely different perspective. Up until this point, I'd viewed David's layoff as a big, heavy cross. I didn't want help carrying it, even though people offered to help. I keep seeing the darkness...not the light. I carried on like I thought I was supposed to...not out of pride or vanity, but because I just didn't see how else I was supposed to carry it. I tried to carry a part of David's cross. I always smiled and told people, "I'm fine," when deep down, I wanted to cry out, throw down that cross and just walk away. Okay...RUN AWAY. As fast as I could. And not come back anytime soon. Maybe never.
I finally realized I was focusing on the wrong part of the cross. I realized it really was okay to cry. It was okay to admit I was afraid. It was okay to share that with others. It was okay to pray that God would just help me get through life one day at a time. God showed me that instead of focusing on how awful the cross was...I needed to see how much Jesus was doing to help me carry that cross.
Why didn't I see that before?
I'm just glad it didn't take a 2x4 over my head to finally get it. Whew.
Enough of the deep stuff now.
I guess you want to know how I'm doing nowadays.
I'm hoping. And praying. And praying. And hoping. I started a 30 day novena to St. Joseph a week ago. I'm trying to stay busy. I try to do the normal things, like make dinner and run the laundry...but constantly think about how the Blessed Mother would do those motherly things. I'm trying to do them with love instead of just getting them done for the sake of getting them done. I try not to have a pity-party for more than 5 minutes. I try to imagine Jesus and I together...he's right behind me...carrying this cross. I might fall down, but until I can get back up, He's right there...holding the cross for me, even though I'm begging God to please take this cross from me. He gets it...he asked God the same thing...at the Mount of Olives...but he knew God's will for him. I know God's will for me...at least...I'm trying to understand it. There are so many people who know us, love us, and are helping us carry this cross, just like Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus carry His. So much love has been given to us...it's truly overwhelming, and frankly, it's made me cry tears of joy and humility. So many prayers are making this cross a little lighter, a little more bearable every day.
In another week, I'll be back in the classroom on Mondays and Thursdays for the first time in 14 years. I'll be an assistant teacher in 1st grade and the lead music teacher for grades 1-6 at the kids' homeschool hybrid program, Regina Caeli. I'm actually looking forward to it. I need something to sink my teeth into and keep my mind off the unemployment business here at home. That's a blessing in disguise, don't you think?
So there you are. I'm okay. Not fabulous. Not bad. Just okay. I'm happier than I was before. I'm still a little sad. But I'm here. I'm still carrying my cross. Only I know Jesus is present. He loves me. He is helping me carry my cross, for as long as I need Him to. I don't know how much longer that will be. Only God knows. But that's okay.
I told you I'd be keeping this real. Please pray for us. Thanks. :-)
