Uncle Chris and Aunt Evy's Wedding

We waited A LONG TIME for this day. But it finally happened. My little brother got married. 

He's not so little. I can't believe this is the same guy who seriously tortured me growing up. He was younger, but always stronger, so he frankly got away with a lot as a kid! He dared me to walk across 12 foot high stone walls (I never fell...and obviously lived to tell about it), ride my bike down a hill without braking, and would never let me carry the crucifix when we were altar servers.
Dang..he was a MESS I tell ya! 

Well, Chris grew up...eventually. And he married the most beautiful bride on Saturday at St. Mary's Cathedral in Austin.

Want to see pics? 

Of course you do. ;-)

Chris and Evy at the rehearsal Friday night. She's gorgeous, isn't she? 

Someone fell asleep during the proceedings. She fell asleep during the nuptial Mass the next day too! 

The rehearsal dinner was at The Clay Pit, a yummy Indian restaurant in downtown Austin. It was amazing...even Theresa ate a few bits of the curried chicken...which was a miracle in of itself. 

Chris is having a "discussion" with Christina...about heaven knows what. And they had a trio band at the restaurant, which mean dancing, giggling kids. I hope the people downstairs didn't mind hearing all those feet above them while they were eating. 

At the church the next day. Sacred Heart Cathedral is small, but beautiful. We all made it to the church on time, despite Rebeca's dress zipper getting seriously stuck at one point. I had a full blown panic attack, but David came to the rescue and got the zipper to work. Whew. My kids clean up good, don't they? ;-) 

David and I got dressed up too. I am so glad I splurged on those bow ties. My boys were rockin' them. 

During the mass, the arras and lasso were presented by Evy's parents. This was only the second time I've witnessed this beautiful Mexican wedding custom. Evy's dress was stunning. My girls said, "Mommy, when I get married, I want a dress just like Aunt Evy's." I loved her veil too. 

I didn't get a shot of the kiss, but my friend Susanna Eilers did. There was a lot whooping and cheering after that kiss! 

Photo by Susanna Eilers

The beautiful bride and handsome groom. You can't resist a man in uniform!

The reception was SO MUCH FUN. Evy and Chris chose a swinging, 1920's theme. They hired a 12 piece, swing band (they played awesome music), had a photo booth with set up with fun props for all the guests, pretty black and white feather fascinators for the girls to wear, and a black/white color scheme. My kids had a blast doing a conga line with their new aunt. 

Before they were introduced, Evy asked me to bustle her dress "because you know how to sew." Oh Lord...it's been years since I've bustled a wedding dress. I'd forgotten how small those darn hooks are...and white! They blend right in with the dress! It actually took me, Evy's mom, and 2 other bridesmaids to find all 10 hooks and eyes...but we finally got it done. Whew! 

Some more pictures of the party goin' down!

Lots of drinking...not too much though, LOL. 

And a whole lotta dancing! Chris and Evy's first dance, "At Last." So appropriate! 

The kids cut up the dance floor too. David tried to show Rebecca some jitterbug moves. 

Evy threw her bouquet right into one of her younger sister's hands! 

The garter went to my cousin, Jose. :-) 

This little lady had a great time, but boy...did she crash 5 minutes after we put her to bed that night! She's wearing one of the fascinators. I can't believe she actually kept it on the whole time. 

After 4 hours of good, hard partyin' Chris and Evy left...they made faces in the glass door at the bottom of the stairs...it was so funny! 

I finally met my Great Aunt, "Tia Linda" from Puerto Rico, who came with her two grown children Michelle and Jose. It was so wonderful to see her! She gave all of us lovely gifts, including clothes for the kids and Puerto Rican sangria, coffee, and candy. I really hope we can take a trip to Puerto Rico one day to visit her. 

Congratulations to Chris and Evy. May you live happily ever after! God bless you and your marriage! 

The Hardest Part

The hardest part about your husband being unemployed 2x in 14 months:

-Being a mom when you don't feel like it. Especially when the kids are fighting and you just yell at them because you are too dispirited to deal with them. And you just want them to SHUT UP. 

-Putting on a brave face around everyone (except maybe a handful of close, trusted friends), because you know you just can't fall apart every time asks you, "How are you doing" even though you know you could melt into a puddle on the floor. 

-Acting like everything is okay, when you know it really isn't. And you feel like a crying, screaming mess. ALL.THE.TIME. 

-Wishing you could do something besides have chicken strips and french fries and cake with the kids instead of celebrating your 16th wedding anniversary. I know...it sounds really selfish. But I was hoping David and could have gone out for a date and dinner without the kids. This is the second year in a row we have not been able to do anything on our anniversary. I just wanted to do something...anything...because we've been through so much over the past year, and it needs some recognition. But...I guess not this year...again. :-(

-Feeling so guilty whenever I do break down and cry (more times than I'd like to admit over the past 3 weeks). I wake up every morning, and it hits me with a jolt, "David doesn't have a job...and we have no income." UGH. I know I'm human and I can't keep it together all the time. But dang...enough already. 

-And...I don't wanna here anyone say, "It'll get better," or "We're praying for you," or "Something better is just around the corner," or "trust in God." You know what...I could just care less. I am sick of hearing those words over and over again. People mean well, and I'm truly grateful they do care so much...I really do. But Lord have mercy. If you really want to make me happy, hand my husband a freakin' job, mkay?"

-Knowing you're depressed and trying SO HARD to not let everything you down. But you know what? The smallest thing sets me off, and I get so angry. It takes every fiber of my being to calm down. I love my husband and my kids no matter what. But this life...I just can't do life, AND deal with all the crap that comes with being unemployed at the same freakin' time. I feel like I'm in a hole I dug myself, and it takes all my effort to not dig it deeper because nobody is offering us a rope (aka a job) right now. And we have NO idea when a job will come. (Insert sob here)

-Trying not to worry about money. Can I just say something here? I.HATE.MONEY.RIGHT.NOW. I absolutely freakin' hate it. I mean, we don't need a castle to live in, a fancy car, or a vacation home in Colorado. But we do need some money. We have a family of 7. SEVEN. So some income is kinda necessary, you know what I mean? And every time I turn around, we have to shell out money for something. Groceries, the phone bill, summer camp for Joshua, formation classes for the older kids, uniforms and school supplies for this coming school year. It never ends. It just won't end! ARGH!

Sure...I am hanging in there. Everyone tells me that, "Just hang in there." Sheesh...I hate it when people say that too. Can someone please just give me a ticket to Aruba, or someplace when I can drink a mojito and watch the sunset on a nice beach? I don't even like sand...but I'll take it over this insanity right now. 

Obviously, you're catching me in one of my not-so-pretty moments. I was doing pretty well earlier this week. But the past few days, the sadness has just been crushing me...probably because it really is taking everything I have to just get by. Everyone says I'm doing great...if only I felt that way! 

Please Jesus, forgive me for being so weak and having my very own pity party. I promise I will harder to smile more, pray more, and just surrender everything to You. This is nothing else I can offer You...just simple, sad, humble me. I'm sorry. :-( And if you're reading this...I'm sorry. This is just me...keeping it real. 

How to Survive When You Husband is Unemployed...AGAIN!

David texted me on Monday morning. 

"Got laid off this morning. Due to lack of work." 

At first I was like, "Well, okay, we've done this unemployment thing before, so we can do it again." 

I texted him back a couple of hours later:

"Did they give you any severance?" (Last go around, we got 3 months)

David replied, 

"2 weeks severance" 

I knew it wouldn't be much, if any, because he'd only worked for this company for 8 months. But honestly, I was like, "SHIT." That's not even enough to get us through the end of this month. 

Sigh. 

Man...this is really sounding like deja' vu, isn't it? ALL OVER AGAIN! 

For the first 2 days, I cried...more than I'd like to admit. I wasn't mad at David, or God, or anyone else. I was just sad. And scared. Still am. I really, really don't know why this is God's plan for us. I really thought 6 months of unemployment last year was gut-wrenching enough. Sure...we made it through, but we are still taking the financial hit, and David is still busting his butt going to school part time so he can sit for his first CPA exam in August. The study materials alone for the test cost $800. Each test cost $250...assuming you pass it the first time. If not, you gotta retake it, and that costs ANOTHER $250.
See what I mean? So getting ahead right now in terms of dollars and cents. Not happening folks. 

Ya'll...this sucks. I ain't gonna lie. This is real, this is me not pulling any punches here. THIS SUCKS. 

I had 4 BFF's take me out to breakfast Tuesday morning. We met up for daily Mass first (I really, really needed that!), and then we sat outside at the Black Walnut Cafe, ate, and they let me pour out all my fears and worries. 

I really, really needed that too. Thank you Lord for rock solid friendships. 

By the time I got back home, I had sorta formed a mental plan. I realized I couldn't let this get me down. I honestly was depressed most of last summer, and I knew I couldn't fall into that pit of despair. 'Cause it's not fun, and it sure isn't pretty, let me tell you. 

I have to look, once again, at how Jesus is helping us carry this cross, NOT at how awful and heavy it is. I have to pray, pray again, and then pray even more. My friends promised to start a novena to St. Joseph for us, so I started one too. I know some days will be harder than others. So on those days, I need to ask for help to make this cross more bearable. While I can't say I'm looking forward to the weeks, and months ahead, God has NOT forsaken us. I pray my faith will remain unshaken, confident in His love and mercy, and that He WILL provide. 

If you're reading this, please pray for us. Please pray all of David's hard work over the past year has not been in vain. Please pray that someone will see that he has excellent credentials, great work experience, is CMA certified, and will hire him...quickly. 

St. Joseph, patron saint of families, pray for us. 

St. Cajetan, patron saint of the unemployed, pray for us. 

JESUS, WE TRUST IN YOU!

Remembering

Last night, I was watching "Call the Midwife" on PBS. For those of you who follow the show, one of the midwives, Chummy, is caring for her terminally ill Mother in her home. Her Mother mentions how much she'd like a pedicure, but since her relationship with her mother is minimal, Chummy cannot bring herself to do it. Sr. Monica Joan (who often converses using long excerpts from poetry) reminds Chummy using a poem from John Keats:

"Touch has a memory. O say, love, say,

What can I do to kill it and be free

In my old liberty?"

It's obviously difficult, but Chummy finds some hand cream, massages it into her mother's hands, files her 

nails and paints them a pretty pink color. At one point, Lady Browne reaches up and tenderly touches her 

daughter's face. 

Chummy says, 

"You've never done that before. 

Lady Browne replies, 

"Yes, I have. When you were very tiny."

At that point, Chummy cannot hold herself together anymore, and breaks down...crying unashamedly while sitting next to her mother in the bed. 

Only a few hours later, Lady Browne passes from earth, and Chummy was there, lying by her side until the end, holding her hand. 

I don't know why this scene touched me so much. Probably because I relate to Chummy so much. My relationship with my mother was never a tactile one, and she was not a nurturer by nature. I only recall once in my whole life that she held me when I was upset about something as a teenager. The rest of the times she touched me...

Sigh...

Was in anger. My mother hit me, bit me, slapped me, punched me, and kicked me. More than once. More than several times. Many times. I even remember her knocking me over and then hauling me up by my hair to hit me again. She was always angry it seemed. 

I wish like Chummy I could recall a time my mother touched me with love. 

But I can't. 

What I Want Most

Last night, David and I went out to watch the NFL draft at our favorite Aggie-owned watering hole in The Woodlands, The Refuge Bar and Bistro. Honestly, it's one of the nicest places I've ever sipped a glass of merlot in. The food is good too...we split a salad last night, fried green tomatoes, topped with crab and bacon...delicious! I only wished the plate was bigger! 

On the way home, we were talking about how I'll be working this fall at the homeschool hybrid program, and how I wistfully still would prefer to stay home instead of being up at the church 2 days a week. But right now, I feel called to teach again, if only for the tuition discount and for the girls' sake...since they LOVE Regina Caeli Academy. If it were't for the reduced costs working there provides, we truly could not afford it. 

Somehow, the conversation turned to money. I was teasing David about how he's never going to buy me diamond earrings, but I'd settle for a second refrigerator since we're bursting at the seams trying to keep our one fridge stocked while feeding 5 animals children. We were holding hands, and I thought I heard a tiny catch in my husband's voice.

He said, "Well, I just can't make enough money right now. "

I turned to look at him, and indeed, he looked a little regretful. I quickly said, 

"Sweetheart, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm sorry."

David assured me he was fine, but I just knew he wasn't. It wasn't really what I'd said, it was that he felt like HE wasn't enough.

"David...you need to know you are ALWAYS enough for me and the kids. I wouldn't trade that for all the money in the world."

My husband smiled, and we continued to drive home. I wanted to say something more, but I kept quiet for a few minutes. And then, like an overflowing cup, my emotions spilled out.

"Honestly, what I want most right now is to be there for you while you finish up the CPA and start school again this summer.  I know we are in it for the long haul for the next 3.5 years while you get your MBA. If you can go to school and work full time, then I can work part time to help. I want to be as strong as I can, and help you as much as possible. In the end, I don't want to be angry and resentful. I don't want to be weak or complain that I can't pick up where you leave off. I want to do this together, because I know we can't do it apart. I don't care what anyone else does or what anyone else thinks. The only thing I want is for you to be proud of me."

My husband reached over and squeezed my hand while I tried my darndest to stop crying. The tears flowed fast and furiously...which is so not me. 

He said, "I am proud of you honey, and I love you very much."

"I love you too" I said while quickly wiped my tears away. I've tried so hard to NOT cry in front of my husband these days, because he's got enough to do without me being a weepy mess. Seriously.

The rest of the drive home was just small talk, but oh...I was so glad I told my husband what was truly on my heart. I know his words were straight from his heart. I just pray we both have the endurance to make it though the next few years. I pray we don't worry about where the money will come from, how we'll survive on little sleep, and how we'll have enough time for the kids. God's got this...He's in control. Let's just give Him the wheel and let Him drive, shall we? :-)

Forgiveness Through a Child's Eyes

Both my girls had to write essays for a camp scholarship this summer. They were required to submit a true life experience that taught them something positive about forgiveness. I though I'd share their essays with you. 

For the record, I am very proud of them.  :-)

REBECCA (12)

Forgiveness is hard, but God calls us all to forgive. This is my story about my experience forgiving.

         One day my sister Christina and I were doing our school work. We are both homeschooled and still had a lot to do. When I went downstairs to sharpen my pencil, she was using one of my favorite pencils. I asked her nicely to give it back, but she said no. I got really mad at her. Then she got really annoyed and mad at me because I kept on asking her to give it back, so we started to chase each other around the house.

          When I finally gave up, I had realized we were both behind in school work and had hurt each other by our actions. I knew I needed to calm down, say a few prayers, and tell her I was sorry. That is what I did. I went to my room, got my prayer book, sat by my crucifix, and said a few prayers for myself. I asked God to help Christina forgive me.

          When I was done I knew that I had forgiven her, but I thought that I should go tell her. I went downstairs and walked to the study where she was working in. Thankfully the door was closed. I was so nervous. “What if she doesn’t accept my forgiveness and my sorry?” I asked myself. I said a few Hail Marys, and walked in.

           I went up to Christina who was working at the desk and said, “Christina, I am really sorry for demanding that pencil back. I was really selfish and it was my fault. I hope you will forgive me.” Then she said, “I am really sorry too, and I forgive you.”

           When she said that, I felt like the burden of the sin had been lifted off my shoulders; that I was free and very happy. I could get on with my day without anything or anyone holding me back because of my actions. Looking back, I think forgiveness gives you a second chance, to just remember that forgiveness is hard, but great things come from it.

CHRISTINA (9)

One time I stole my sister’s crochet hook to use for my rainbow loom. Mine broke when I was making a cupcake charm. I got very mad and I hoped it could be replaced. But my mom said we couldn’t order a new hook. So I took my older sister’s hook. When she found out that I used it without her permission, she told on me and I got very mad. I also got grounded from my rainbow loom for 2 whole weeks! But then I calmed myself down and said a sincere apology to my sister. She said,

 “It’s ok Christina,”

and she forgave me. I felt better because, I knew in my heart Jesus was happy and He forgave me too. I learned that whenever you do something that makes someone mad they will always forgive you when you apologize.

If only we could all forgive each other simply and easily, like children do. 

Worry

I'm glad a friend whose husband was out of work for a whole year gave me this gentle warning last fall. 

"Even though David has a job, the worry and stress aren't over just yet.  You need to be strong for a while longer."

I didn't think about it at the time...but I can't stop thinking about it now. 

David does have a job...and he's enjoying his new position, and I'm so happy for him.  He goes to his clients and consults with them over their financials. Crunching numbers and telling others how to run their businesses more effectively is what he loves. He passed the 2 exams he needed to earn his CMA (Certified Managerial Accounting) certification so that's another acronym next to his name...yeah!  Now he just has 6 more classes to finish, and all 4 of the CPA exams to pass this fall, and then he'll have his CPA certification.  David's hasn't made a final decision as to whether he'll get his MBA or not...but I have a feeling he's going to go for it in the fall of 2015. So while he's doing great, we're not finished yet.  

So why am I worried?

I'm worried because David is making only 2/3rds what he was before. We're both praying he will get a raise in April, but David's been so busy with work and school, he hasn't had time to talk to his boss about it yet. He's been up very late (once night he stayed up until 4:30 AM) doing spreadsheet projections for a project. It was crazy last week! I was sorry to see him up working so hard, but I knew why.  He wants to prove himself at his new job so they have no reason to be dissatisfied with his performance, and hopefully he will get that raise. I don't even have to ask David...I know that's why he's working so hard.   

David believes in a year or two, he will be back making the salary he was before, and possibly more.  I know worrying doesn't help.  It's not fun thinking about money is it?  I think worrying about finances are the worst kind of worrying when you're married, don't you? 

Sigh...

I worry what we'll do for money in the meantime.  I've sold a few things online, just to have a cushion in case of an emergency...since we don't have any extra funds right now.  I think the dishwasher is on the fritz. Our fridge's water dispenser froze up last week and I'm scared it's about to break too.  Rebecca really wanted more tennis lessons, but we just can't afford it right now, and it broke my heart to tell her no...even though she took the news like a champ. The cheapest tennis program in our area costs $500 a month...which we simply don't have right now. 

 I had to delete a post on my Facebook feed about a Catholic woman's conference in Austin this summer because I desperately want to go, but at $225 for the conference and another $300 in hotel costs...that's also out of the question. I'm human...and frankly I was jealous of the other ladies in our moms group who were registering to go today.  Ugh..I need to go to confession!  

I got burned last week by a SIL and a BIL because they didn't like the way I send out an email to the rest of the family.  I called 2 other family members to see if I'd offended them.  They said no.  So I really don't understand where the nasty, condescending words came from...because to me, they dropped out of nowhere...way out in left field, and landed smack on my head.  It hurt. And even though I went straight to confession and bawled for most of that day...it still hurts a little.  

I am doing 7 different jobs at the homeschool hybrid program my kids attend...and frankly I am miserable because I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  It's stressful for me to switch gears 1,000 times a day, even though I can do it...and I daresay I'm good at it...but it's not my strength.  When I asked to be temporarily relieved of just one of those jobs, I was told "no." Oh man..I was crushed...and I have to do all this until May.  You better believe I am asking Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...and the entire heavenly host to help me hang on until school's out.  

Geeze...those last two paragraphs really weren't about financial worries, huh?  Sorry.... :-(

Back to the main topic of this post...

 I'm worried if we'll have enough money to live and a little to save going forward.  David believes we will.  But in the meantime, we have expenses coming up.  The girls want to go to a camp this summer...and it costs $1,100 for both of them.  They are saving like mad, but realistically, they'll probably only have 1/2 the amount by the April deadline.  I hope we can get a scholarship from the camp directors for the rest.  The oldest 2 kids need braces...but we have zip money for that too.  Joshua has a Boy Scout camp this summer, and we've already had to put down a deposit for $150 (half the amount).  And...I would LOVE to help staff the ladies ACTS retreat this coming July...the same beautiful weekend that pulled me out of my pit of depression and sorrow last summer...but it's over $200 to go to that...and...I'm already not wanting to ask for financial aid to go (like I did last year).  Yeah...it's prideful...I know...it is.  Is it bad to hold on to just a tiny bit of pride?  

I guess I am not doing a great job of "letting go and letting God," even though I'm praying every day for God to just let me get through one day at a time.  I feel like I'm eating my own words because I tell people all the time, "Do what you can, and let God take care of the rest." David's job is making me worry.  His school work (and being gone 2 nights a week for classes) is stressing me out.  I'm worried about money.  I'm worried about my job and how I'll manage that until May.  I'm worried how I'll take care of the kids, the house, getting dinner on the table...without losing whatever precious brains and sanity I have left.  I'm worried about money. 

Dang..I said that already.  Dang it.  

I'd better stop now. I'm going to take Rebecca to choir practice this afternoon. While she's there, I'm going to head over to the Adoration chapel and just stay in there.  I'd be fine not leaving...just sitting there and not coming out until May.  So if you can't find me...I'll be there...asking Jesus to please help me hang on.