The Hardest Part

The hardest part about your husband being unemployed 2x in 14 months:

-Being a mom when you don't feel like it. Especially when the kids are fighting and you just yell at them because you are too dispirited to deal with them. And you just want them to SHUT UP. 

-Putting on a brave face around everyone (except maybe a handful of close, trusted friends), because you know you just can't fall apart every time asks you, "How are you doing" even though you know you could melt into a puddle on the floor. 

-Acting like everything is okay, when you know it really isn't. And you feel like a crying, screaming mess. ALL.THE.TIME. 

-Wishing you could do something besides have chicken strips and french fries and cake with the kids instead of celebrating your 16th wedding anniversary. I know...it sounds really selfish. But I was hoping David and could have gone out for a date and dinner without the kids. This is the second year in a row we have not been able to do anything on our anniversary. I just wanted to do something...anything...because we've been through so much over the past year, and it needs some recognition. But...I guess not this year...again. :-(

-Feeling so guilty whenever I do break down and cry (more times than I'd like to admit over the past 3 weeks). I wake up every morning, and it hits me with a jolt, "David doesn't have a job...and we have no income." UGH. I know I'm human and I can't keep it together all the time. But dang...enough already. 

-And...I don't wanna here anyone say, "It'll get better," or "We're praying for you," or "Something better is just around the corner," or "trust in God." You know what...I could just care less. I am sick of hearing those words over and over again. People mean well, and I'm truly grateful they do care so much...I really do. But Lord have mercy. If you really want to make me happy, hand my husband a freakin' job, mkay?"

-Knowing you're depressed and trying SO HARD to not let everything you down. But you know what? The smallest thing sets me off, and I get so angry. It takes every fiber of my being to calm down. I love my husband and my kids no matter what. But this life...I just can't do life, AND deal with all the crap that comes with being unemployed at the same freakin' time. I feel like I'm in a hole I dug myself, and it takes all my effort to not dig it deeper because nobody is offering us a rope (aka a job) right now. And we have NO idea when a job will come. (Insert sob here)

-Trying not to worry about money. Can I just say something here? I.HATE.MONEY.RIGHT.NOW. I absolutely freakin' hate it. I mean, we don't need a castle to live in, a fancy car, or a vacation home in Colorado. But we do need some money. We have a family of 7. SEVEN. So some income is kinda necessary, you know what I mean? And every time I turn around, we have to shell out money for something. Groceries, the phone bill, summer camp for Joshua, formation classes for the older kids, uniforms and school supplies for this coming school year. It never ends. It just won't end! ARGH!

Sure...I am hanging in there. Everyone tells me that, "Just hang in there." Sheesh...I hate it when people say that too. Can someone please just give me a ticket to Aruba, or someplace when I can drink a mojito and watch the sunset on a nice beach? I don't even like sand...but I'll take it over this insanity right now. 

Obviously, you're catching me in one of my not-so-pretty moments. I was doing pretty well earlier this week. But the past few days, the sadness has just been crushing me...probably because it really is taking everything I have to just get by. Everyone says I'm doing great...if only I felt that way! 

Please Jesus, forgive me for being so weak and having my very own pity party. I promise I will harder to smile more, pray more, and just surrender everything to You. This is nothing else I can offer You...just simple, sad, humble me. I'm sorry. :-( And if you're reading this...I'm sorry. This is just me...keeping it real. 

How to Survive When You Husband is Unemployed...AGAIN!

David texted me on Monday morning. 

"Got laid off this morning. Due to lack of work." 

At first I was like, "Well, okay, we've done this unemployment thing before, so we can do it again." 

I texted him back a couple of hours later:

"Did they give you any severance?" (Last go around, we got 3 months)

David replied, 

"2 weeks severance" 

I knew it wouldn't be much, if any, because he'd only worked for this company for 8 months. But honestly, I was like, "SHIT." That's not even enough to get us through the end of this month. 

Sigh. 

Man...this is really sounding like deja' vu, isn't it? ALL OVER AGAIN! 

For the first 2 days, I cried...more than I'd like to admit. I wasn't mad at David, or God, or anyone else. I was just sad. And scared. Still am. I really, really don't know why this is God's plan for us. I really thought 6 months of unemployment last year was gut-wrenching enough. Sure...we made it through, but we are still taking the financial hit, and David is still busting his butt going to school part time so he can sit for his first CPA exam in August. The study materials alone for the test cost $800. Each test cost $250...assuming you pass it the first time. If not, you gotta retake it, and that costs ANOTHER $250.
See what I mean? So getting ahead right now in terms of dollars and cents. Not happening folks. 

Ya'll...this sucks. I ain't gonna lie. This is real, this is me not pulling any punches here. THIS SUCKS. 

I had 4 BFF's take me out to breakfast Tuesday morning. We met up for daily Mass first (I really, really needed that!), and then we sat outside at the Black Walnut Cafe, ate, and they let me pour out all my fears and worries. 

I really, really needed that too. Thank you Lord for rock solid friendships. 

By the time I got back home, I had sorta formed a mental plan. I realized I couldn't let this get me down. I honestly was depressed most of last summer, and I knew I couldn't fall into that pit of despair. 'Cause it's not fun, and it sure isn't pretty, let me tell you. 

I have to look, once again, at how Jesus is helping us carry this cross, NOT at how awful and heavy it is. I have to pray, pray again, and then pray even more. My friends promised to start a novena to St. Joseph for us, so I started one too. I know some days will be harder than others. So on those days, I need to ask for help to make this cross more bearable. While I can't say I'm looking forward to the weeks, and months ahead, God has NOT forsaken us. I pray my faith will remain unshaken, confident in His love and mercy, and that He WILL provide. 

If you're reading this, please pray for us. Please pray all of David's hard work over the past year has not been in vain. Please pray that someone will see that he has excellent credentials, great work experience, is CMA certified, and will hire him...quickly. 

St. Joseph, patron saint of families, pray for us. 

St. Cajetan, patron saint of the unemployed, pray for us. 

JESUS, WE TRUST IN YOU!