Living in the Now

Our sweet baby girl is nearly 10 weeks old now.  Theresa is pure joy, and we all love her.  She has begun to coo and smile a lot, and it's just adorable.

That being said, Theresa is a very different baby from all our other children.  She started out a very calm baby, but by the time she was about 6 weeks old, I felt like something was up.  I had to hold her ALL THE TIME.  She was fussy, crying, and sometimes screaming two-thirds of the day, spitting up quite a bit, and every once in a while, she would throw up an entire feeding.

After talking to one of my best friends who happens to be a lactation consultant, I took Theresa to see our pediatrician, who listened to me.  One of the "perks" of having 5 kids is having a good pediatrician who doesn't just brush you off.  Dr T told me "since you have all these kids, I know you're not just imagining these symptoms."  So she decided to start Theresa on some liquid Zantac, and it seems to be just the thing.  I still am holding Theresa all the time, but she's not crying nonstop now.  That was the toughest part, holding her, and still not being able to soothe her, no matter what we tried.

Once we had the reflux issue mostly resolved, we now have to try and get Theresa's belly button to fully heal.  She lost her cord at 18 days old, but she developed a umbilical granuloma, which after 2 treatments with silver nitrate, still refuses to dry up and fall off.  The first application of silver nitrate didn't do anything, and the granuloma actually grew in the week's time it took me to get her back to the pediatrician for round 2.  This time, it took off the outermost layer of the granuloma, but Theresa still has a bit of it left.  I wish I could say we won't have to go back a third time for silver nitrate, but so far, it doesn't look good.  The granuloma has to come off, and the silver nitrate actually burns the skin as well, so poor Theresa's belly button looks awful right now.  In some ways, I have to laugh.  All our other babies had jaundice as newborns (both the boys needed light therapy), and Theresa was the only one who had practically no jaundice at all.  So I guess she's making up for it now by having a granuloma, LOL.

Sigh.

I really didn't expect anything like this.  I knew I'd be tired, heck...exhausted these days.  I knew the house would go to pot, the dust would be very visible, and I'd go nuts just trying to get the simplest of meals on the table for dinner.

What I didn't expect was a sweet baby, who I love to pieces, but will not let me put her down for anything.  I'll nurse her, cuddle her and put her in the swing, boucy seat, or the floor.  By the time I go to the bathroom, make a quick sandwich, or read a book to Gabriel, Theresa is crying her eyes out.  Lord have mercy!

So, I am trying really hard not to sweat the small things.  Unfortunately, that's what gets to me the most.  I can supervise homework, make dinner, do the laundry, you know, the big things.  But I can't pay the bills, order my contact lenses, sew the kitchen towels I'm making for teachers gifts, or fix a button on one of my favorite summer blouses.

I'm definitely living in the now.  Just ask my husband.  If I try to think about what needs to be done in a week's time, or just in a few days, I just can't.  I literally shut that part of my brain off, take a deep breath, and say at least 3 Hail Marys.  I get completely overwhelmed, and I feel like crying.  I really want to spend more time with the other kids, take a walk all by myself, or sit down and really enjoy a good book.  None of that is possible these days.  All I can do is get through one day at a time, and pray I didn't forget to sign someone's homework folder (which I've already done 2x), or take something out of the freezer for dinner the next day.

I'm trying so hard to just focus on what I CAN do.  I can pray.  And I can offer it all up.  We are just about to celebrate Easter, and this past Lent, I know our Lord has asked me to sacrifice all of my fears and failings.  He wants me to focus, to live in the present, to trust Him, and believe His plan is best, even though I am afraid, and don't fully understand why.  Having a new baby again has placed me, and our family on a new path, on the road of a different journey, which we're all experiencing together.

As a mother, I know it's up to me to be the example.  I am really hard on myself sometimes, and I've fallen short many times in the past 10 weeks.  Often, I would rather stay down, and have everyone just leave me alone.  I want time to recover, and I'd like a longer pity party than normal.  But when you're a Mom, that party is over really quick. Somebody always needs something 3 seconds after I started crying.

Oh, I can see it now, the Blessed Mother standing over me, saying, "All right now, we can talk later, but you need to get up and get on with it!" 

So I get up.  And I get on with it.  Maybe they'll be time for tears later, but for right now, I'm living in the now.